


I'm Sorry

by Bard_the_Bowman



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depressed Remus, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, The Marauder's Map, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:17:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bard_the_Bowman/pseuds/Bard_the_Bowman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus has had enough of everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Major Suicide Trigger warning- please don't read it if it will hurt you!

Sirius woke with a start, the yelling of his mother in his nightmare still running through his head. Breathing heavily, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to shake himself out of it, and slipped out of bed, intending to walk it off. 

The dorm room was eerily quiet in the dark, and Sirius' eyes finally adjusted enough to let him see the sleeping forms of Peter and James. The curtains around Remus' bed were pulled shut and so Sirius peeked around the edge just to reassure himself that he was safe with his friends.

Sirius was not reassured.

Remus was gone and all that was left was a folded piece of paper. Sirius fumbled for his wand and hastily unfolded the paper. "Lumos." He whispered, and held the paper to the light to see two words written messily on the surface. 

Sirius stared at it, confused, until realisation dawned on him and he felt himself go numb.

"Shit." He muttered, then louder. "Shit!" 

"Sirius?" Asked one of the other two sleepily. 

"It's Remus." Said Sirius, knowing full well the others were still asleep. "I'm going to find him." 

He grabbed the map off the desk and hurriedly went the through the door, opening it as he went. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." Scanning the pages as he went and skipping over the few moving dots of himself, Filch and the ghosts, he finally focused on one dot winding its way slowly but surely up the astronomy tower and he felt his blood run cold. 

Remus.

\---

Splash.

The tear that had been hanging on to the end of Remus' chin fell, a shining droplet, splitting open as it reached the cold hard stone of the stairs under his feet. 

Splash. 

Another step, another tear. A shaky sob to go with it, too. 

Splash. Step. Splash. Step.

Higher and higher he climbed up the winding staircase, until finally he reached the heavy wooden door at the top, pushed it open and went through, letting the cool night air wash over him as it swung closed behind him.

The moon hung in the sky, very nearly full, and he felt its pull on him. 

One night to go before he would transform again.

Or not. 

He was sick of this monster within him, sick of what he could do and sick of being hated by everyone, most of all himself.

Slowly he stepped towards the edge of the astronomy tower, placing his hands on the edge and leaning down to see what was below- the stone of the courtyard. Perfect. He would not transform tomorrow.

With a sniff, he pulled his sleeves down over his hands and wiped the tears from his face, though more took their place just as quickly. 

Putting one foot on the edge of the wall, he steeled himself to lift up onto the low ridge completely and to take the leap into oblivion.

The door burst open again behind him. 

"Don't you dare take another step." Sirius barked, coming out into the chill of winter. 

"Don't come any closer." Remus didn't turn his head but stayed, balancing, both feet on the wall now. "I have to do this."

"Remus, you can't." The piece of parchment with the words written in Remus' handwriting crackled as he shifted it in his grip. "You can't leave us like this."

"I killed a stag, Sirius!" Remus finally turned, wobbling precariously on the wall. Sirius stepped forward, reaching out, but retreated when Remus screamed. "Get BACK!" 

"Come inside, Rem." Sirius said, quietly, and the other boy shook his head. 

"I can't."

"Don't do this. It was just a stag." Sirius insisted, voice breaking. 

"It could have been James!"

"But it wasn't. It was just an animal. You know werew- you're not a danger to us."

"Aren't I? Because I could have killed you. Next time it might be you and I'm through with putting you all in danger."

"Remus, you're not a danger. Now get down." Sirius was somehow not crying, fuelled by anger and fear. 

"I am. I have to do it." Remus choked. "It was always supposed to end like this."

"No it wasn't. You're going to stay with us and we'll help you and you won't hurt us, not ever." Sirius insisted. "Just step down. You have the rest of your life left and so much to-"

"Don't say it." Remus cut him off . "Just don't. You know it's not true. I'm stuck being this demon and I refuse to hurt anyone else. It's so much easier to ki-" he struggled, not wanting to say it. "To kill- to end myself before I kill one of you." 

"Never mind that." Sirius pleaded. "Just get down, Remus. We'd rather not lose you over something that won't even happen."

Remus thought about these tears. Remus thought about the dead stag and the unbearable blood. Remus thought about what would happen if it were one of the others, dead, because of him. He thought about the anger of everyone and the guilt and Azkaban or being a fugitive for life. He thought about how much better off they would be without him. In time they would forget and move on, find new friends. 

He made his decision.

"Goodbye, Sirius." He said. "It's not your fault."

"Rem-"

Remus leant backwards and fell over the edge of the wall. 

Time stood still. Sirius wanted to yell. Sirius wanted to crumple on the spot. But Sirius was the one who was immediately at the wall, wand out, spell on his lips. 

"WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!"

Remus jerked to a halt in midair as the charm hit his robes, stopping his path downwards and beginning to ascend as Sirius changed everything, pulling him back up.

The moment he could, Sirius grabbed hold of Remus' arm and hauled him back over the wall into a tight embrace. Remus resisted for a minute before he finally went limp and began crying into Sirius' neck. 

"Never do that again." Sirius said, tears now silently rolling down his cheeks too. "I'm not losing you. I can't lose you."

Remus couldn't speak, sobs wracking his entire body. His hands now closed tightly on the back of Sirius' shirt. 

"I've got you." Sirius mumbled, face hidden in Remus' shoulder. "It's okay now."

"I love you." Remus said, between tears. 

"I know you do." Sirius replied. "Don't ever leave me."

Sirius let go of the piece of paper to hug Remus closer to him and it fluttered over the side of the tower, floating all the way down to the ground where Remus would have landed, with the two words illuminated by the light of the moon.

_I'm sorry._


End file.
